“Listen…Listen….Listen…no, Listen…”

Last December, writers Kyle Humphrey and Graydon Sheppard posted a video to youtube entitled “Shit Girls say”. Graydon Sheppard, clad in women’s attire, ventured to enact the body language, expression and phrases used by of a good majority of the female population. The final result is a hilarious, arguably (and embarrassingly) accurate portrayal of the stereotypical American “white girl”. Like, seriously.

The video caught fire. Thousands of comments rolled in from girls across the nation exclaiming, “that totally sounds like me”, “omg so right!”, and “nailed ittttt”. Now, the video has over 10 million views. Over the following 4 weeks, parody after parody surfaced. We now have “Shit New Age Girls Say”, “Shit Yogis Say”, “Shit Gay Guys Say”, “Shit Black Girls Say”, “Shit White Girls Say to Black Girls” and even “Shit Nobody Says”.

And I’m drinking the Kool-Aid.

As much as we’d like to deny it, lyme disease has almost become a culture of its own. Not only are patients required to alter their entire lifestyle when diagnosed, but they often choose to ban together and change their facebook photo to include a green awareness ribbon, post lyme-related informational links perhaps one too many times per day, and construct quite creative status updates about their ailments and pains.

My facebook newsfeed looks like a lime green apocalypse.

Thus, I bring you…

Shit Lyme Patients Say

1. “iHerb is having a huge sale right now.”

2.. “I heard yellow is going to be the ‘it’ color this spring. I’m considering painting my nails with what’s left in my Mepron bottle.”

3. “I.V. Vitamin C gave me the munchies this time around.”

4. ” I got a really cute paramedic this week.”

5. “My pain level today? I’d say…six. Or actually, it’s a seven. No wait….6.759.”

6. “A list of my medications? Oh God.”

7. “I slept great last night. Almost 4 hours.

8. “My nap was a lot shorter today. Only 4 hours.”

9. “Antibiotics are cheaper in Mexico? Road trip!

10. “Are my feet supposed to be this color?”

11. “My phone number? Uh…I can’t remember. But I can tell you my medical record number.”

12. “What’s my zip code?”

13. “I forget how to spell…”

14. “What’s 52 plus 75?”

15. “Pre-existing conditions? I’ll just spell them for you. P-O-S-T O-R-T-H-O….”

16. “No…let me just spell it. B-A-B-E-S-I…”

17. “Next friday? Let me look at my calender. Accupuncture at 9:00, Chiropractor at 1:00, Reiki at 4….”

18. “Does this look like a bug bite to you?’

19. “Oh my God, is that a tick? That’s a tick. Yes it….wait, it’s just lint.”

20. “Is this gluten free?”

21. “Is there dairy in these?”

22. “I’m pretty sure that’s a walnut.”

23. “Is the sugar in this unrefined?”

24. “I don’t have a gall bladder. Well actually, I do, but it’s in a jar in my closet.”

25. “Have you seen Jane’s facebook lately? She doesn’t look sick at all.”

26. “…and then he was like, ‘but you don’t look sick’, and I totally wanted to punch him.”

27. “Is it hot in here?”

28. “Is it cold in here?”

29. “Does anyone else see black spots?”

30. “Where did I put my water bottle?”

31. “Am I having a heart attack?”

32. “It feels like someone kicked me in the kidney.”

33. “I feel like someone sucker punched me in the gut.”

34. “Where IS my water bottle?”

35. “You’re going to want to draw blood from the other arm. Those veins aren’t juicy.”

36. “For Christmas I asked for an infrared sauna.”

37. “I got a vitamix for my birthday.”

38. “I ate quinoa patties for Thanksgiving dinner.”

39. “Can you speak up? I can’t hear you over the buzzing in my ears.”

40. “Can you not talk so loud? My head is imploding.”

41. “Can you turn the lights off? I can’t see.”

42. “Can you turn the lights on? I can’t see.”

43. “I think my insides want to be on my outside.”

44. I seriously have no idea where I put my water bottle.

45. “I’m not sure if I actually took one of these pills, or if I just thought about taking one of these pills.”

46. “Can you call back later? I’m rifing.”

47. “Can I get you something to drink? We have reverse osmosis water, distilled water, mineral water, smart water, seltzer water…”

48. “I’m brewing coffee right now. Oh, no, not for that…”

49. “Yesterday, I forgot to put the lid on my blender.”

50. “Today, I found my notebook in the freezer.”

51. “Damnit, I’m still wearing my slippers.”

52. “It’s possible that I’m having a stroke.”

53. “Is this what a brain aneurism feels like?”

54. “Did I die? Oh no…wait…I have a pulse.”

55. “Wow, shorter protocol this month. Only 22 pills with breakfast.”

56. “Was I supposed to take 24 chlorella or 42? We’ll go with 42.”

57. This supplement sort of tastes like socks.”

58. That pill bottle kind of smells like cheese.

59. “Can you take a picture of my rash? For my doctor…and facebook.”

60. “Where the hell is my wa-…oh. It’s in my hand.”